Be care-free, not careless

It's like YOLO, but safer. It's become my life motto and since I've been to college it's really become an important part of my life.
I've learned in the past year or so, and have had it drilled in my head in the past few months, that mental health is yet another thing affected by cystic fibrosis. I've had (again, many times before but a plethora of times since August) countless existential crises, along with increased bouts of depression and anxiety. These include, but are not limited to, questions about why I exist (obviously), questions about why I have CF, doubting the importance of minute things such as homework when in the grand scheme of life it is meaningless, and why I worry so much about life.
These crises have put me through hell at night, keeping me up until 2 or 3 in the morning, causing me to text Noelle, call my sisters, or write all of my thoughts out on paper. However, I've found that they haven't been totally bad. Because of these instances of mental crises, I've developed the aforementioned (I  love that word) phrase. I repeat it countless times, to myself, to others, and, probably most of all, to my girlfriend, Noelle, when I go on my rants which occur probably 65 times a day. Sorry, Noelle.
So, to me, here is the difference between care-free and careless, and why this motto has made such a huge impact on how I see life.

Care-free

Being care-free, to me, means not stressing. Now, of course, regardless of how care-free you are, stress is inevitable, but the idea is to minimize it and make it positive. For example, I get stressed with the insane amount of homework I have. Instead of carrying that stress on my shoulders and letting it get to me, I decide that homework isn't worth a mental breakdown, and that it really isn't worth anything. Life is too short to stress. What does homework mean in the long run? No, I'm not saying don't ever do your homework, because you can find some good stuff in there. For example, I read Walden by Thoreau and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Irving because they were assigned to me. I Thoreau-ly enjoyed them and if I hadn't done my homework, I probably wouldn't have ever read them. Instead, what I'm suggesting, is that if you have so much homework to the point where it's bringing you down and taking over your life, you need to step back, evaluate what's important and what you can probably do without, do the important stuff, then go watch Netflix or enjoy college. 

Being care-free also means doing what you want to do, like watch Netflix or take a nap. I chose to go to college for a few reasons, the main one obviously being furthering my education, but I also chose for the experience. I've heard many good things about college and wanted those experiences to myself. If I'm in my room at 3:00 on a Wednesday afternoon and my friends are going somewhere or it's just absolutely beautiful outside, you can bet I'm not going to be doing homework. Why waste four years of your life doing homework constantly? There are so many opportunities on any college campus, and it's my job to find out what they are and to take advantage of them. That's why I started my very own speech team! I've been dedicating a good amount of my time to doing that because I enjoy it. There are times I choose to write my speech or do research for it rather than do my Spanish homework, simply because to me Spanish comes fairly easily and it's just boring. My life is too short to be boring (anyone's is, that is not referencing my CF). 

Careless

There is a fine line between these two, and I don't usually like to walk it but I sometimes guiltily find myself doing so once in a while. To me, being careless is, well, not caring. At all. It's going to college not to further my education, but to only do stuff I want to do. I do, in fact, want to actually learn things, which is why I'm paying to be here. If I were careless, I'd be spending money to be here and getting drunk, skipping class, and doing who knows what else. I know of a few people here on campus who are pretty careless. They waste their weekends away getting drunk every weekend and not remembering it the next day. Some people go home every single weekend to see their family or their boyfriend instead of meeting new people and making new memories here. That's careless, to me.



I do worry sometimes that people may see me as careless, and as a depressed kid who is hopeless and such. Well, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm very hopeful, which is why I do what I do. I'm hopeful that I'll get a job that I want, instead of a 9-5 office job that requires me 5 days a week. I don't want to spend my life working. I'm trying to detach myself from money, because, as cliche as it sounds, money doesn't buy happiness. And that's all I really want. I want to be happy. I want to do what I want to do, and if that means reading Sherlock Holmes instead of The House of the Seven Gables, well, I'll do it. In fact, I have been. I'm still reading, but I'm reading something I want to. I don't see the harm in that.

I just think that my life, as well as everyone's, is too short. Not to get too existential and crap, but we really have created this society that tells us we need to go to college and get As and get a 6 figure-paying job that doesn't allow us to see our families because money runs our lives and blah blah blah. Honestly, though, if you think about it, what does it mean? I want to travel, I'd like to have a decent house (though I really don't care too much; I'm going to be eating and sleeping in it, so who cares what it looks like), and I know that those things require money. I'm not dumb. I'm not throwing away my education and going to get a job as a Cub cashier for the rest of my life. But if I like being a cashier, why shouldn't I be?

These thoughts have really been emphasized since I've gotten to college, and I'd attribute it indirectly to my CF and directly to my mental health. I just want to be happy and healthy, and I'll do whatever it takes to get me to be there. I think we're all caught up sometimes in the frivolous things in our lives, the material goods and the tangible valuables that we don't consider what actually passes on to the next life (which is in itself a different discussion, but has some strong connections to this one). CF sure doesn't make me happy, but being sad about it doesn't either. 

Cystic Fibrosis and College Feelings (CFx2)

I am officially settled in at the University of Minnesota Morris to study English. Going to college of course is an extremely exciting yet terrifying moment in anyone's life, myself not being an exception. However, having a chronic lung disease makes the thought of college overwhelmingly scary and dangerous.
I've had some practice being on my own in terms of taking care of myself, but not to the extent I am experiencing at Morris. Hospital visits and mom and dad stepping back have given me a glimpse into the life I would take on in college and beyond, but now that I am here, it is much different than I had expected. One of the biggest things I've noticed that gets in my way is time. It's not even that I don't have enough of it, but rather I lose track of it. 3:00 (the time I usually do a treatment) doesn't feel like 3:00 anymore. I think this is because school. fun, and living have all combined into one, rather than being separate, indicating the time and when I should do certain things, like treatments or setting up my feedings.
It's weird to live in the same place where I go to school. I've always been relatively open about my CF, but now that I have people living only a few feet away across the hall, I am even more open about it. It's hard to hide the fact that I have my own bathroom!
As I've talked about in my other blogs, my CF plays a big role in my friends and the people with whom I interact. This past week has proved to be a bit of a struggle because it's hard to open up about a topic so large with people I am just meeting. The other thing that has actually proved to be challenging is meeting people in the first place. It seems as if everyone already knows everyone else. I suppose it helps that they have a roommate, where I'm all alone in my dorm. I already feel behind in some sense.

One of the things I'm most nervous about now that I'm here is being organized and maintaining my health. I must thank my doctors for pouncing on me a week before I left, causing me to gain 8 pounds and a 5-6% lung function increase, however, despite meticulously planning my health schedule, it's proven to be harder than I expected. I haven't gotten sicker yet, but I've noticed that I've forgotten already to do my feedings every single night due to simply staying out and getting used to the college atmosphere. I intend to be an active member of the Morris college community; I already auditioned and made it into the orchestra, and I've gone to Ultimate Frisbee Club. Additionally, I plan on trying Swing Dance club and playing a lot of pool in the lounge. Unfortunately, with all of these things comes great risk and more diligence on my part in terms of my health. It doesn't mean I can't do it, but that I have to work harder. Here at Morris I feel like I can really relate to The Barenaked Ladie's hit song, "Grade 9." Give it a listen, you'll understand.

With the health scare that my doctors put into me only a few weeks ago, I seriously reconsidered doing anything besides my treatments and feedings. It's times like these that I really need Anna (not to say I don't normally, but you know). She did it all and had a great time in college. I can still learn from her, though not directly. I know she got sick more often than ideal in college, and my doctors, family, and friends have made it clear that that really hurt her. I need to work hard to stay healthy, because if I don't then I can't have any fun at all. Luckily for me, my girlfriend Noelle is at Morris too, and she has been kicking my butt. Sometimes she even helps set up my feedings, which is a tremendous help. It's really hard not having Anna for advice, support, and understanding, but Noelle has stepped in as best as she can to help.

Noelle and me on the first day of college!

This is really only the first step to the rest of my life. I've realized that while yes, college is a hard transition, especially with my CF, its a necessary one, because after this, I won't be going back to mom and dad's, I'll be going to my own home, responsible for myself forever. College is scary but so exciting and even though I have CF, I plan on making the most of it, just like the rest of my life.

My family's history isn't my own

"Oliver is really worried about you going into the hospital," my brother, Kendrick, told me last Monday. 

With the recent passing of my nephew Emerson, and losing my sister Anna to CF just under two years ago, the concept of death (something which I've never encountered until Anna's) has entered my life and seems here to stay. Unfortunately, it hasn't only affected me and the older, more mature people in my family. Both Anna's and Emerson's deaths have made their own impressions on my nieces and nephews, children who are much too young to have experienced two deaths already. 

As mentioned, I was fortunate to avoid the heartache death brings until late my sophomore year, while these kids have already been through the pain twice. Both Anna and Emerson passed away from a chronic illness, and both in the hospital. And now, with my impeccable timing, I am in the hospital due to my CF right after Emerson's funeral. It only makes sense for the kids to be worried about me; it's easy for them to associate hospitals (and if they're old enough to understand that I have a disease, then that, too) with death. Maybe not even death, but just bad connotations. 

I don't want this. Not at all.

At Anna's wake, my uncle Blaine took me aside, and as we walked down Coon Rapids Boulevard, Cokes in hand, he made a point to tell me, to really emphasize to me, that Anna's history isn't mine. Her ending isn't mine. Seeing her die like that no doubt had its affect on me, but that doesn't mean that would happen to me. And I knew that. Despite seeing CF take her much too soon, I've still dreamed of my own future, past 23, as a dad, as a grandparent. I know that I still have a chance. Her story isn't mine.

My nephews and nieces, on the other hand, can't comprehend that. 

So what do I say to them? How do I, or their parents, convince them that I'm okay?
How do I convince not only my nephews and nieces that I'm okay, but their parents, my friends, everyone?
I completely understand where everyone is coming from when they say they care about me and want the best for me. They worry about me. But they shouldn't (in fact, I wrote a blog about this exact topic here. It is relatively similar, but read on). If you take one look at the past two years, it's hard not to worry and to care. 

But just because I'm temporarily sick doesn't mean that's it for me. Yeah, yeah, I'm always "sick", and I never can take a break from it, but the times when I'm extra sick, I still am doing pretty well. This isn't to minimize my illness; every time I go into the hospital I do lose a little bit of ground, which is something that my doctors have stressed greatly, but it is nowhere near the caliber of sickness that would take me down to the ICU, where the bad things happen.

One of the many Climb for a Cures Anna and I did

It is so very hard to express my thoughts on this topic. I want to allow people to care and to worry, but at the same time, I want to be me. I don't want to be constantly reminded of my CF from others, because trust me, I already am from my body. I don't want to be given special treatment. I want other people to have hope for me, rather than worrying. I want to be good and healthy enough for people to be confident in me and to not have to worry. I suppose that means there's a lot on my side to take care of; I have to take care of myself and maintain my health.

It depresses me to think people want to take pictures and videos of/with me because I might die at anytime from CF and they want those memories. Why can't we just have those memories, still captured, because they're great memories? Why do we need to put a reason behind it? 

Emerson and me napping

So how do you explain to a kid that their uncle Jeph isn't going to die just because he has CF and is in the hospital? It's one thing to build up older, mature family members' confidence, but that of a five year old? I suppose you just have to prove it to them. 
I need to strive to be better, to be healthier, not only for myself, but for my family members, because as much as CF affects me, CF also affects each and every one of my loved ones. 
Through these two premature deaths, I've learned that my family members' histories aren't my own, which means that I have a great future in store for me.