Well, I finally transitioned. Last week, I had my first adult CF appointment. For those who are unfamiliar, for the first 18 years (or so) of a CF-er's life, they see a pediatric CF doctor, and when they're ready, usually after their first year of college, they make the move and see a new team: new doctors, new social workers, new dietitians, and a new building.
It's freaky.
Deep down, I know nothing really has changed. But I think it's symbolic. I am now truly, fully responsible for my health and my future. I make the appointments, I choose my treatment plan, I order and pay for prescriptions, and I do it by myself. This is not to say I'm alone in my taking care of my CF; Noelle of course is a HUGE help, and I know my parents and family are more than happy to step in and help when needed. But again, it's just symbolic. I'm an adult now. This is on me.
None of this is really new, though. For 2 or 3 years now I've been doing most of this already, so it's not like I'm doing it all for the first time, but when you have to go to a completely new building and have no idea where to go, when you have to meet new people and don't even know what they look like, and have to explain to them every detail of your medical history (without forgetting anything) so that they can properly treat you, it can be very scary and overwhelming.
Which is why I needed Anna. You thought you could get away with reading a blog post and not read about Anna, didn't you? Just remember why I started this blog.
But seriously. This is the PERFECT example of me going to Anna, asking her where to go, what doctor I should see, what they're like, what to expect, or anything else! There were SO many questions I had, and absolutely zero got answered (I mean, eventually they did, but the hard and scary way).
I saw Anna's old doctor, Dr. Billings. She's great. At the adult clinic, there are like 6 CF doctors you can see, and being an adult, you get to choose whom you see!!! I went with Billings because she knew Anna, Anna talked about her a lot, JC had good things to say, and I'd feel at least a little bit more comfortable around her. I was right.
We hit it off right away and shared a lot of laughs (she asked if I was sexually active, which I'm not. However, I thought she asked if I was socially active, so, naturally, I cheerfully answered "yup!" And she asked how many partners and I was like "woahh I totally misheard you. Yeah I'm not sexually active." and she responded, "hey, I'm not judging!" and it was great).
The appointment itself was weird. It was a mix of her getting to know me personally and from a medical history point of view, but unfortunately, my lung functions weren't great so she also had some immediate treatment to give. We had to balance getting to know each other and having fun with being serious about what to do with my health. I feel like the first few appointments will go this way; this sucks because I want to study abroad early next summer but I don't want her signing off on me going if she doesn't totally know me and my health like my other doctor did (she was my doctor for like, 10 years, so she really knew me and my lungs and my health). I'm stuck between wanting to continue living and transitioning to adulthood and not doing anything in order to stay healthy. I don't know, it's weird.
Overall, I don't know if I'd say I'm excited to transition. I loved my pediatric team and let's be honest, nobody really likes change. Again, they knew me so well and I knew them, too. These are totally new people and I have to start all over from scratch while maintaining my health. I'm glad I have Dr. Billings, mainly because of Anna, so at least she has some sort of idea of what to expect (though not totally, because there are a lot of factors there).
This is the start of my adult life with CF. I won't have my mom (or dad, because he gets all the recognition) to take me to appointments, admit me into the hospital, order medicine for me, or anything else. I'm responsible from here on out, which is terrifying. I'm not going to pussyfoot: I think it's going to be a lot easier to get sick and to die at this point. I'm responsible for my own life and if I screw up, if I don't put it first and give it the attention it needs, then it will be much shorter than I'd like it to be. I need to step up and take care of myself, not just for me, but for Noelle, for my parents, for my nephews and nieces, my brothers and sisters, and my friends. I know they're all willing to help, I have no doubt, but at the end of the day, it's my disease, my health, and my responsibility. Being adult means taking on a lot of responsibilities, and being an adult with CF means taking on much more serious responsibilities.
