Recently, I went to the school nurse to lie down because I was feeling sick. I was coughing, I was tired, and I just needed to sleep. Luckily, one of the first things the nurses offer when you tell them you don't feel well is to lie down for a bit. Most students are only given 20-30 minutes to lie down, but due to my past history, and the fact that I have CF, I was given the whole hour to nap. I don't take advantage of my CF much, or at least I try not to, but this is one of those things that I was glad to take advantage of.
After I was well rested, I told the nurse I was ready to go back, and she gave me my pass book. Before I left, however, she said something that bothered me from the moment I heard it. "We're worried about you, Jeph."
Is that supposed to be a good thing? If so, I definitely did not interpret it that way. This seemingly harmless, minute comment rubbed me the wrong way.
Having someone worry about me implies that there is something wrong with me. Sure, I have CF, but I'm healthy right now. Just because I need to come in and lie down does not mean I'm sick and am going to be admitted to the hospital. My intentions while going to the nurses office that morning were to take a short nap, not to have a pity party thrown for me because I'm that poor boy who struggled at the end of last year and will continue to struggle because I have this horrible disease. That is not me. I'm a normal kid who gets tired because he has rehearsal from 2:30-9:00 and wants to sleep an extra hour. I struggle to pay attention in class because I can't hold my head up or I'm coughing. I don't go to the nurse to wallow in self pity. I don't do that, but if I did, I would do that in my room by myself.
I did not react to the comment negatively. Instead, I just said "thanks" and went on my way. Needless to say, however, that comment stuck with me for the rest of the day and still tugs at the back of my mind. Is this how she sees me normally? As a sick kid? Does she really worry about me, or only when I come in for things like this? Do other people worry about me like this, and see me as that sick kid? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. Every day I wonder these things. Even before the nurse thought she was being kind by telling me she worried about me, I wondered if people did things for me out of pity. For example, do they hang out and talk to me extensively because they read this blog and want to make my life better? Do people just have a mindset that because I have a terminal illness, I will die before them and therefore they must make my life so glorious and wonderful?
If I say I'm hungry, do people offer me part of their burger because they know I need the extra calories? Or do they genuinely not want it? When I cough, do people ignore it because they know I can't help it? Or do they see it as some other kid with a cold?
"We're worried about you Jeph" constantly plays in my head. Who is? The two nurses? My friends? Family? Everyone?
Yeah, I like parties. But I don't want to have this one, big pity party thrown for me by everyone. It is nice to have sympathy from people, yes, but when people over do it, it makes me feel bad and wrong in a sense. CF is something I can't help; it's not my choice to have it or not. I try to take care of myself and I work hard to hide it from others, because I don't want to attract attention and pity from it. That's just dumb. It's one of those things I can't explain. Just another one of those things about CF.
