I'm pretty sick right now. Winter is especially hard with CF and it's not uncommon for me to get sick. This year, apparently, I'm sicker than normal (to tell you the truth, I'm probably hospital bound within the month).
When I'm this sick---to the point where I'm expecting to go into the hospital---it's hard to be strong. Anything is hard, actually. The smallest things take a ton of effort for me, things such as walking up the stairs or rushing to the other room for a tissue for someone. These tasks aren't normally hard---for anyone, but even me---but when I'm sick, I need a minute (or two, usually) to catch my breath and recover. It's sad. It's scary! Fortunately (unfortunately?) it's normal. Like, I'm not overly concerned that I'm lung-transplant sick because of this but still, I feel like I can't do anything.
People who are around me a lot during these times, namely my family and Noelle, may read this and be surprised by it (maybe not, I don't know). I try my hardest to be strong and cover it up. I'm sicker than what I put on. When I'm with Noelle and I put my coat on (another task that will occasionally take my breath away), I'll hug her, and when I hug her usually my air supply will be cut off significantly but I continue to hug her because I feel bad. I don't want to say I can't hug my girlfriend because I can't breathe due to my CF.
I hate using CF as an excuse. So I rarely do. But I think I should just a little bit more often.
Because most of the time, it's not an excuse. It's the truth. Especially when I'm sick like this, but even when I'm healthy, it's just hard to do things. I'm not strong. I can't breathe as well as others. My lungs hurt and I cough a lot. The smallest things will make it worse. I just don't want to seem weak, and sometimes (most of the time), with CF I do feel weak. I feel incompetent and helpless.
I'm not looking for your pity or sorrow, I'm just telling the truth. In order to avoid feeling this way, I've learned to cover it up as best as possible. I hug Noelle as much as I normally do. I hop up out of my seat to grab something for someone. I give up my seat and stand for others. I do what it takes to make it seem like I'm fine. Because the last thing I want is to feel helpless and constantly pitied due to my CF.
I'm worried that if I show my weakness and if I use my CF as an excuse, then I'll do it when it's not necessary. Like I said, most of the time, I'm not making it up; I actually do need to sit and breathe and calm down. But there are times when I could use my CF as an excuse just to get out of work, school, an event, or anything else. In order to avoid this, and to avoid using CF to my advantage unnecessarily, I don't use CF as an excuse at all.
I know, I know, I'm shooting myself in the foot. But I've seen people do this. Maybe not in person that often, but on Facebook, or movies, or I've heard stories (and I have, actually, seen it in person), and it disgusts me. It's like they want to have their ailment just so they can be lazy and weak and catered to.
Not me. I want to have a normal life with CF. And I know I can't. I get it. I'm not that naive, but I can do things here and there to help allow myself to lead a normal, happy life. Being strong, really forcing myself to do what everyone else can, helps. Maybe it makes me stronger, maybe it makes me dumb. I don't know.
People on CF pages always pass along the quote, "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it." I try to prove that every day.
